Wanted: Unique position available for success-minded single man
to help never-wed singles columnist experience the practical side of marriage
for two weeks over the summer.
Responsibilities include: Rescuing me from the perils of intrusive dinner party conversation, car concerns, household handiwork and hurricane preparations. Applicants should be proficient at displaying enthusiasm and rapt attention while listening to a vivid, detailed account of my entire day.
The ideal candidate: He possesses the ability to express (in a gentle, flattering, non-verbal way) that the outfit I’m eyeing is better suited for one of Li’l Kim’s back-up dancers.
What's in it for him? For better or worse, until the end of our employment contract do us part, you could consider this espousal exercise groom-ing for the real thing, a refresher course, or just a great summer job opportunity!
The competition: When the selection committee comes to a consensus, finalists will convene in Palm Beach County to participate in a series of challenges which may include:
1. Answering questions such as: “Do I look fat in these jeans?”
When the challenges are complete, finalists will gather on the beach
where I will be waiting in a white diaphanous dress, painstakingly picked
from the new arrivals rack at Marshall’s. Surrounded by friends
and family, against the backdrop of a sun-streaked evening sky, I will
hear those five fateful words from the mouth of an intelligent, well-groomed,
witty man in a moment that independent career girls dream of: “Angela,
will you hire me?”
Welcome to matri-money!